The Mommy Magnet

Today while swimming in the pool with my kids, I was reminded of an interesting phenomenon. After finding one end of the pool overcrowded (read: lots of little hands clinging to me as I struggled to swim), I escaped to the other end. Less than a minute later, the first set of hands arrived, followed closely by four others. They once again reached for me, this time grabbing on as I tried to swim in the deep end.

I escaped to different areas of the pool several times, only to find that my little ducklings followed me wherever I went. I don't think they did this consciously. They were involved in a make-believe game that didn't include me. But they still wanted to be wherever I was.

The phenomenon is called the Mommy Magnet. That is, mommies are like magnets. Our children can't help but be drawn to us. Kids seem to have some sort of homing beacon that allows them to track you down no matter how clever your hiding spot. That is all well and good. Everybody needs to be loved, and I enjoy a good hug as well as the next mom. But what about when we need our space?

In those moments when you just need a mommy time-out, a good hiding spot is essential. I've tried many over the years and I'm here to share what I've learned.


The couch
When the kids are playing nicely, and you think you might like to put your feet up after standing, running, walking or climbing stairs for the past four hours straight, it seems logical to head for the couch. That's the purpose of couches, right? To put your feet up and relax? While it may seem like a good idea, DON'T do it. Especially not with a good book. Without fail, within sixty seconds of sitting down, someone will get hurt, call for you, or come find you. Somehow they know that you're comfortable and they just can't stand it. It is therefore never a good idea to settle down on the couch when you need a break. 

Outside
I've had marginal success with this one. Usually, it takes them longer than usual to track you down outside, but it can backfire if you're not careful. When they eventually discover you sitting quietly on the front porch steps, you are in for a real treat. Prepare to spend the next several hours outside pushing swings, wiping sidewalk chalk off your hands, and chasing basketballs into the street. Oh, and wrangling bikes out of the shed, cleaning off the spider webs, and pushing them up and down the street when the training wheels get stuck in the sand that the city never cleaned up after winter. If you love being outside, this is great. If you're a homebody (like myself), you will need to mentally prepare for this possibility the moment you step outside. 

Your bedroom
The kids will find you pretty quickly if you are in your bedroom, but at least there's a lock on the door. (If there isn't, now's the time to put one in). If you aren't bothered by the incessant banging once the kids track you down, then by all means, hide in your bedroom.

The bathroom
I've resorted to the bathroom on many occasions. When Energy was two, he was a master of world-class, two-hour-long tantrums. I used to lock myself in the bathroom whenever I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown. Dealing with a wicked tantrum was easier after putting some space between myself and the out-of-control child. Over the years, my bathroom hiding habits have grown somewhat in scope. The bathroom, it turns out, is an especially handy place to go when you're in the middle of a good book and really want to finish the chapter before starting on dinner. It's also a great place to use your smartphone for checking email, scrolling through Facebook, or catching up on the news. Despite the less-than-desirable surroundings, the bathroom has often provided me with some much-needed alone time and is one of the most reliable places of retreat. When hiding in the bathroom, the homing beacons usually take a few extra minutes to kick in before alerting your kids that you have gone rogue.

The kitchen
I recently discovered that sometimes the best place to hide is in plain sight. Since I'm ALWAYS in the kitchen, the kids don't notice when I take a break there. The homing beacon doesn't register me as missing when I'm sitting in the kitchen, and so has no reason to alert the kids to go find me. We have two bar stools in our kitchen and, while kicking back on the couch would certainly be comfier, I can often take long mental breaks perched in one of them. With my laptop or kindle on the counter in front of me, I can mentally vacate while dinner slowly burns on the cook-top. It's a great set-up and I highly recommend it.


Here's one final tip for you. You should never, EVER attempt to write a blog post at any time while your kids are awake. It will not end well.

Of course, even though I know this, I have yet to learn my lesson.

My Life as a Twitter Feed

We are two weeks into the summer and it seems I should have scheduled myself some blogging time. Or any alone time, for that matter. In regards to keeping the peace in our home, my ambitious schedule is working marvelously. It's encouraging me to plan activities that get us out of the house so we can enjoy our time together. But there is no one time of the day when all five children are equally engaged.

During morning screen time, Caboose (who has not yet developed the deep love of screens that his siblings have) needs attention. During reading time while Caboose is napping, Plucky (who is just reading words like 'the', 'and', and 'it') needs attention. When reading time ends, Energy (who is too old, apparently, to use his imagination for entertainment as his younger siblings can) requires attention. And then it's time for me to make dinner. The madness really never ends.

So now I'm back where I was several months ago, trying to figure out how to obtain a time turner so I can have a small measure of peace during the day. Additionally, I've found that nights no longer hold the guaranteed down-time I have long depended on. Since we are so busy during the day, night time is when I either fold laundry, go grocery shopping, or collapse into an exhausted heap on my bed.

Despite my best efforts to come up with a clever solution, there seems to be nothing I can do about it. So perhaps laughing will help. I've collected a series of tweets that popped into my head this past week and am posting them here for your reading entertainment. They were never actually tweeted, of course, since I no longer have time to sit down at my computer during the day. Hopefully I'll be able to look back at them later and smile.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to enjoy the summer and the extra time I have to spend with my kids. Silence is a luxury that will have to wait until fall.

Worst words to hear first thing in the morning: "Mom, the toilet is overflowing again." #sonotfun

I finally discovered where all lost things go: under my ten-year-old's bed. #cleaning

Living with five kids is really quite simple. Just learn to tune out the screaming. #TheNewWhiteNoise

You know you have too many kids when you fill not one, but two, full-sized Costco shopping carts on a regular basis. #hungrykids

My pre-teen's verbal loop: "I'm bored. I'm hungry. Can we go home? I like pi." Repeated endlessly until sleep knocks him out.

My too-heavy purse is actually filled with rocks. Daughter collected them weeks ago and slipped them in for safe-keeping. #SurpriseDiscovery

Noise torture is a very real thing. #itstooloud

You know it's time for a break when going to the dentist feels like a vacation.

Speaking of the dentist, perhaps I should schedule myself an appointment. It is, after all, the busy-mom alternative to going to the spa. You get a cushy chair to kick back in, and you don't have to help anyone do anything for a whole hour. The experience is also enhanced when you close your eyes. Just try not to doze off.