The Very Hungry Twelve-Year Old

(In the style of The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle)

One Friday afternoon, in eighth period English, an almost-teenaged boy sat slumped in his chair.

When he arrived home almost an hour later, he was very hungry. Very, VERY hungry. He started to look for some food.

He ate through one Honeycrisp apple. But he was still hungry.

He ate through two flour tortillas. But he was still hungry.

He ate through three yellow bananas. But he was still hungry.

He ate through four bags of goldfish crackers. But he was still hungry.

He ate through five slices of cantaloupe. But he was still hungry.

He ate through six juicy strawberries. But he was still hungry.

He ate through seven warm taquitos. But he was still hungry.

So he ate through eight slices of pizza, three bags of mini muffins, one-half a watermelon, two raspberry smoothies, and a pile of pretzel sticks as big as his face.

He did not even get a tummy ache. And, he was still hungry.

So his mother thought and thought and thought. Finally, she had an idea.

On Monday when the very hungry twelve-year old came home from school, he found a surprise waiting for him. It was a giant gumball machine and a pile of quarters.

Now when the very hungry twelve-year old comes home from school, his mouth is so busy chewing that he can't eat up all the food. Instead, he obediently waits for dinner. His siblings are extremely happy that the very hungry twelve-year old is no longer eating all their food. Peace is once again restored....

Until the very hungry twelve-year old brings home some friends.

THE END

A Very Scientific Experiment

Okay, so it's not very scientific. Only sort-of.

It all started one morning last week. In my haste to get Plucky to her dance class, I did a mediocre job of washing out the bananas Caboose had smashed into his hair during breakfast. I didn't realize I'd missed some until we got to dance and I looked at him properly. His hair looked...well...quite good, actually. My boys' hair never looks good because I never bother to do it. In fact, it's a struggle just to make time to run a brush through the girls' hair each day, let alone fix it into one of the intricate hairstyles I used to practice on my American Girl doll. Or take the time to put gel in my boys' hair. So the fact that Caboose's hair appeared to be styled was enough to make me stop and pay attention.

I spent the rest of the day reminding myself to wash my baby's hair, but never quite got around to it. And his locks remained firmly in place and perfectly spiked all day long. By the end of the day I was thinking I might be onto something: baby hair gel that doubles as breakfast! The ad campaign would go something like this: Save time and money! No need to bother with styling products--let baby style his own hair each morning as he eats! Genius, right?

So the next day when Caboose ran his macaroni and cheese fingers through his hair during lunch, I decided to leave it and see what happened. And so began the experiment:

A Week in My Baby's Hair

Hypothesis: Food makes a great substitution for hair gel in a pinch (read, every single morning). Okay, that doesn't sound very scientific. How about this: If I don't wash my baby's hair after he eats breakfast each morning, then he will look like a Baby Gap model.

To test my hypothesis, I've allowed Caboose free creative reign with his food over the course of several different meals and then compared the results as follows:


Bananas
Hold: Excellent
Notes: Easy application, dries clear, and leaves hair smelling good all day long.

Mac and Cheese
Hold: Excellent
Notes: Not ideal as it leaves hair with an unsightly orange glow and putrid smell.

Warm Chocolate Chip Cookie
Hold: Poor
Notes: If you're the baby, rubbing this in your hair will provide you with a stash of chocolate to eat later when mom's not looking. But it doesn't work well as a styling product.

PB&J Sandwich
Hold: Fair
Notes: Unfortunately, the scent attracts unwanted canine attention. Also, depending on baby's natural hair color, the Peanut Butter may or may not discolor his hair.

Chicken Noodle Soup
Hold: Poor
Notes: This is just an all-around bad choice. Don't use it.

Yogurt
Hold: Poor. And moist.
Notes: Yeah, this is a bad one, too.  

Watermelon
Hold: Poor
Notes: Though this doesn't offer much in the way of hold, it does leave baby smelling like a sweet summer day.


Conclusion:

It would appear that turning your baby into a Baby Gap model is more complicated than simply allowing him to play with his food. Bananas are clearly the only food that produced the desired results, so you would have to feed him bananas every single day for it to work on a regular basis. But if you're not into consistency, then forgetting (accidentally-on-purpose, of course), to wash those bananas out of your baby's hair every once in a while might be a good way to go.

Since the banana gel worked so well, I'm thinking that Caboose may have known what he was doing when he smashed it into his hair that day. But now I'm wondering if his actions were an innocent mistake, or a naked plea that I pay more attention to his appearance? I suppose we'll never know. And if they were a plea then I must take a moment to apologize to my last-born.

I'm sorry, Caboose. Due to the birth order which has unfortunately left you in last place, you will never look like a well-groomed Baby Gap model. But take heart, because in six short years your older siblings will begin to leave home (yikes!) and strike out on their own. As this happens and you are left increasingly alone with mom and dad, that's when the real fun will begin. Vacations we couldn't afford to go on with everyone, and a hand-me down car you will get to drive to school when your dad has his mid-life crisis and buys a sports car for himself are just the beginning. Trust me on this. I'm speaking as a first-born child who watched it all happen from the impoverishment of my college dorm room. Being the youngest is definitely the place to be...even if you have to suffer through a year of mashed banana gel substitute!