The Halloween Candy Conundrum

Halloween has come and gone and now we have four bowls full to the brim of coma-inducing sugary goodness sitting on top of our fridge.  There are items in these bowls I haven't seen in years.  Sixlets, Lemon Heads and Razzles only seem to come out on Halloween, and they come out every year only to fall back into extinction for 11 months until they are called up again. 

There are others like 100 Grand, Heath and Almond Joy that I completely forget about every year until they show up in those wonderful bags.  They greet me like long-lost friends, reminding me exactly what I have been missing out on when, upon finding myself in the candy aisle, I force my eyes to glaze over the many temptations vying for my attention and hurry on to the more practical grocery items.

Surely you can understand why I find it necessary to swipe these tiny morsels one-by-one from my children's bags when they come in for the night.  I consider it to be one of the perks of having young children.  Yet, however entitled I may feel in my pilfering practices, there is always a certain amount of guilt involved, and if one of the kids catches me with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar, there is always a price to pay.

So, to help me work through the candy conundrum that is Halloween, I have made two lists.  One contains the reasons why I should not eat my kids Halloween candy, and the other lists reasons why I should.  Hopefully we will all find it instructive.


Reasons why I should NOT eat my kids Halloween candy, even if they aren't looking:

I'll get fat

I always end up with a tummy ache

I can never stop at just one

I like to munch them while I'm cooking dinner and then I'm not hungry when the food's ready

The kids will get mad at me if they find out

The more pieces I eat, the fewer I will have to barter with, and I have learned that throwing their candy in the trash one piece at a time is quite effective motivation for inducing model behavior.

The first bite always tastes the best and the experience just goes downhill from there

Cheap chocolate always leaves a bad aftertaste

The candy bars are so tiny that I often don't even register I am eating one before it is gone, especially when I get distracted right after I open it and eat it while doing something else.

They did all the work--I just stayed on the street watching them beg for handouts from a distance.



Several compelling reasons why I SHOULD eat my kids Halloween candy:

I would rather get fat myself than allow them to get fat, therefore I am doing them a big favor

Eating it makes me feel so happy

If I rotate between the kids bowls just so, they will never notice the missing pieces

If I eat it all, then I am saving my husband from facing the same dilemma--oh, the sacrifices we make for love!

The whole "Free candy on Halloween" thing won't last forever, so I better enjoy it while I can.  Or get a dog to dress up and take out when the kids get too old.

Because I can

I work for free and it's about time someone started paying me.  Since the kids don't have any money, other than what we give them, I think it's only fair that I allow them to pay me in chocolate.

The poor candy bags feel neglected while the kids are at school or sleeping, so I am really doing everyone a favor by giving them some attention when the kids aren't there to do it themselves.

Someone paid for it, so we can't let it go to waste

The candy needs to be tested out to make sure it is safe for the kids to eat.  Since it's impractical to take a bite out of every single piece of candy, the most effective way to test the candy is by conducting a simple random sample.  I will selflessly perform said sample over time, choosing a new subject every time I walk through the kitchen. 



Reasons why I should throw all the candy away and not let anyone eat it:

???



To all parents everywhere, Happy Halloween Candy Snatching!  Don't get caught!