The Mommy Magnet

Today while swimming in the pool with my kids, I was reminded of an interesting phenomenon. After finding one end of the pool overcrowded (read: lots of little hands clinging to me as I struggled to swim), I escaped to the other end. Less than a minute later, the first set of hands arrived, followed closely by four others. They once again reached for me, this time grabbing on as I tried to swim in the deep end.

I escaped to different areas of the pool several times, only to find that my little ducklings followed me wherever I went. I don't think they did this consciously. They were involved in a make-believe game that didn't include me. But they still wanted to be wherever I was.

The phenomenon is called the Mommy Magnet. That is, mommies are like magnets. Our children can't help but be drawn to us. Kids seem to have some sort of homing beacon that allows them to track you down no matter how clever your hiding spot. That is all well and good. Everybody needs to be loved, and I enjoy a good hug as well as the next mom. But what about when we need our space?

In those moments when you just need a mommy time-out, a good hiding spot is essential. I've tried many over the years and I'm here to share what I've learned.


The couch
When the kids are playing nicely, and you think you might like to put your feet up after standing, running, walking or climbing stairs for the past four hours straight, it seems logical to head for the couch. That's the purpose of couches, right? To put your feet up and relax? While it may seem like a good idea, DON'T do it. Especially not with a good book. Without fail, within sixty seconds of sitting down, someone will get hurt, call for you, or come find you. Somehow they know that you're comfortable and they just can't stand it. It is therefore never a good idea to settle down on the couch when you need a break. 

Outside
I've had marginal success with this one. Usually, it takes them longer than usual to track you down outside, but it can backfire if you're not careful. When they eventually discover you sitting quietly on the front porch steps, you are in for a real treat. Prepare to spend the next several hours outside pushing swings, wiping sidewalk chalk off your hands, and chasing basketballs into the street. Oh, and wrangling bikes out of the shed, cleaning off the spider webs, and pushing them up and down the street when the training wheels get stuck in the sand that the city never cleaned up after winter. If you love being outside, this is great. If you're a homebody (like myself), you will need to mentally prepare for this possibility the moment you step outside. 

Your bedroom
The kids will find you pretty quickly if you are in your bedroom, but at least there's a lock on the door. (If there isn't, now's the time to put one in). If you aren't bothered by the incessant banging once the kids track you down, then by all means, hide in your bedroom.

The bathroom
I've resorted to the bathroom on many occasions. When Energy was two, he was a master of world-class, two-hour-long tantrums. I used to lock myself in the bathroom whenever I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown. Dealing with a wicked tantrum was easier after putting some space between myself and the out-of-control child. Over the years, my bathroom hiding habits have grown somewhat in scope. The bathroom, it turns out, is an especially handy place to go when you're in the middle of a good book and really want to finish the chapter before starting on dinner. It's also a great place to use your smartphone for checking email, scrolling through Facebook, or catching up on the news. Despite the less-than-desirable surroundings, the bathroom has often provided me with some much-needed alone time and is one of the most reliable places of retreat. When hiding in the bathroom, the homing beacons usually take a few extra minutes to kick in before alerting your kids that you have gone rogue.

The kitchen
I recently discovered that sometimes the best place to hide is in plain sight. Since I'm ALWAYS in the kitchen, the kids don't notice when I take a break there. The homing beacon doesn't register me as missing when I'm sitting in the kitchen, and so has no reason to alert the kids to go find me. We have two bar stools in our kitchen and, while kicking back on the couch would certainly be comfier, I can often take long mental breaks perched in one of them. With my laptop or kindle on the counter in front of me, I can mentally vacate while dinner slowly burns on the cook-top. It's a great set-up and I highly recommend it.


Here's one final tip for you. You should never, EVER attempt to write a blog post at any time while your kids are awake. It will not end well.

Of course, even though I know this, I have yet to learn my lesson.

My Life as a Twitter Feed

We are two weeks into the summer and it seems I should have scheduled myself some blogging time. Or any alone time, for that matter. In regards to keeping the peace in our home, my ambitious schedule is working marvelously. It's encouraging me to plan activities that get us out of the house so we can enjoy our time together. But there is no one time of the day when all five children are equally engaged.

During morning screen time, Caboose (who has not yet developed the deep love of screens that his siblings have) needs attention. During reading time while Caboose is napping, Plucky (who is just reading words like 'the', 'and', and 'it') needs attention. When reading time ends, Energy (who is too old, apparently, to use his imagination for entertainment as his younger siblings can) requires attention. And then it's time for me to make dinner. The madness really never ends.

So now I'm back where I was several months ago, trying to figure out how to obtain a time turner so I can have a small measure of peace during the day. Additionally, I've found that nights no longer hold the guaranteed down-time I have long depended on. Since we are so busy during the day, night time is when I either fold laundry, go grocery shopping, or collapse into an exhausted heap on my bed.

Despite my best efforts to come up with a clever solution, there seems to be nothing I can do about it. So perhaps laughing will help. I've collected a series of tweets that popped into my head this past week and am posting them here for your reading entertainment. They were never actually tweeted, of course, since I no longer have time to sit down at my computer during the day. Hopefully I'll be able to look back at them later and smile.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to enjoy the summer and the extra time I have to spend with my kids. Silence is a luxury that will have to wait until fall.

Worst words to hear first thing in the morning: "Mom, the toilet is overflowing again." #sonotfun

I finally discovered where all lost things go: under my ten-year-old's bed. #cleaning

Living with five kids is really quite simple. Just learn to tune out the screaming. #TheNewWhiteNoise

You know you have too many kids when you fill not one, but two, full-sized Costco shopping carts on a regular basis. #hungrykids

My pre-teen's verbal loop: "I'm bored. I'm hungry. Can we go home? I like pi." Repeated endlessly until sleep knocks him out.

My too-heavy purse is actually filled with rocks. Daughter collected them weeks ago and slipped them in for safe-keeping. #SurpriseDiscovery

Noise torture is a very real thing. #itstooloud

You know it's time for a break when going to the dentist feels like a vacation.

Speaking of the dentist, perhaps I should schedule myself an appointment. It is, after all, the busy-mom alternative to going to the spa. You get a cushy chair to kick back in, and you don't have to help anyone do anything for a whole hour. The experience is also enhanced when you close your eyes. Just try not to doze off.

Summer Survival--Bonus Round

As promised, here is the schedule I will be using with my kids this summer. I'm posting it as an example--an outline you can use to come up with your own summer plan. Because the one thing you can count on with kids is that what works for one will not work for another.

Our Summer Schedule

Before 7:00 (while Mom and Caboose are still sleeping)—eat breakfast, empty dishwasher, get dressed and brush teeth

7:00—9:00—screens (Mom wakes up and gets ready sometime here, whenever the baby alarm goes off)

9:00-10:00—morning jobs (clean up bedrooms, then pick up and put away 20 things around the rest of the house, play outside if you finish early)

10:00— snack time
10:15-12:30—morning activities

Monday—laundry day (use your imaginations to play nicely together, or you’re welcome to help mom with the laundry
Tuesday—library day
Wednesday—lake beach day
Thursday—park playdates

Friday—open engagement (whatever mom has planned—bike riding, swimming, play with friends, lake beach, bouncy house, etc.)

12:30—Lunch. Now is the time for all kids ages 5 and up to learn how to make their own lunches.  I will make lunch for Caboose and myself.  If you want what we’re having, tell me and I will make extras for you.  If not, make your own lunch!  This includes cleaning up after yourself. (Some options are: Taquitos, burritos, hot dogs, mac & cheese, PB&J sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, spaghettios, little pizzas, chicken nuggets, ramen, tomato soup, chicken noodle soup)

1:00-3:00—Caboose naptime, so everyone BE QUIET!

1:00—reading time (everyone pick a book to read or look at—if you get bored of your book you can read a book to Plucky)

2:00—project time/arts and crafts (you can keep reading, practice writing or cursive, board games, coloring, make inventions, art, pluffy, coloring, stamping, watercolor painting, typing practice, book writing on computer, playdough, projects from science books in the closet, boy Scout stuff, etc.)

3:00—Snack time,
3:15-5:00—Screen time

5:00-6:00—Mom make dinner. Kids play outside, in bedrooms, or set the table

6:00-7:00—Dinner

7:00—get ready for bed, baths/showers, brush teeth

7:30—Caboose in bed.  Girls in bedroom.  If you want mom to snuggle, tell story or read books, now is the time. Lights out at 8:00. 

8:00—Boys get ready for bed, then quiet time in bedroom. If you want mom to do songs, now is the time. Then be responsible for turning the lights out at 9:30 and going to sleep on your own.
8:30—Mom is OFF DUTY!!!

And just in case you're interested, here is my schedule from a few years back when I was still making lunches for everyone. They each got a day to pick what we were having for lunch. In looking back through my schedules, I noticed that as my kids got older, my schedules became more detailed. The assumption is that they'll be reading it, especially when they're "bored" (I post it in the kitchen where everyone can see it). So if your kids are young, you probably don't need as many details as I've got in the one above.

Our Summer Schedule - 2010

Before 7:00—read in your bedroom

7:00—eat breakfast, brush teeth

7:30—chores (boys unload dishwasher, girls tidy bedroom, everyone make beds and brush teeth, and any other chores mom needs done like taking out trash, cleaning up playroom, etc.)

8:00—screen time

10:00—morning outing or planned activity (park, playdates, splash park, library, swim at the lake, beach, etc.)

12:00—lunch (Some options are:  hot dogs, mac & cheese, PB&J sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, spaghettios, little pizzas, chicken nuggets)                  Monday:  Mellow’s choice

                                Tuesday:  Energy’s choice

                                Wednesday:  Plucky’s choice

                                Thursday:  Bright’s choice

                                Friday:  Mom’s choice

1:00—reading time (everyone pick a book to read or look at)

1:30—quiet time (you can keep reading, practice writing, workbooks, coloring, typing practice, playdough, Energy scout stuff, etc.)

3:00—Snack time

3:30— Imagination time (Free play, be creative and use your imaginations, Energy practice piano)

4:30—Screen Time (Mom make dinner)

6:00—Dinner

7:15—get ready for bed, baths/showers

8:00—Girls Bedtime/Boys quiet time in room

8:30—Boys Bedtime

Hopefully the past few posts have gotten you thinking, and you now have some new ideas for surviving summer with kids. As exhausting as it is to keep everyone happy, I really enjoy the long days I get to spend with my kids without homework concerns, dance classes or music lessons. Over the summer, I purposely take a break from those things so that we can just enjoy being together. I know the whole rat race will kick in again as soon as fall arrives. Summer is less than ten weeks long, and I choose to enjoy it!!

Summer Survival Part 3

Here is something I wish someone had told me ten years ago: Never underestimate the power of a good jar.

Allow me to explain. It all started when I bought a jar of small plastic frogs (sold as math counters at a teacher/parent store) to help my piano students learn their notes on the piano.

The frogs fulfilled their intended purpose with mediocrity, but it wasn't long before I discovered the full extent of their power elsewhere. To my then five, three and one-year-olds, the frog jar was a fascinating new toy, made even more enticing by the fact that I wouldn't let them play with it.

One day, desperate after enduring yet another round of screaming sibling arguments, I pulled out the frog jar. I dumped out the frogs, labeled the empty container the Kindness Jar, and told the kids that they would get to put a frog in the jar every time they were nice to their sibling or to me. If they fought or did something mean, they would lose a frog.

When they realized I was giving them permission to actually touch the forbidden frogs, they enthusiastically jumped on board. I didn't even need to offer a prize for when they filled the jar up. The simple act of getting to handle the frogs and watching them accumulate in the jar was enough to encourage them to be kind.

And so the concept of a "rewards jar" became a regular part of our family.

Since that first frog jar we have employed this method as needed over and over again. Whenever I see a need, I pull out the jar. We focus on the target behavior for awhile, until reform renders the jar unnecessary. Then I put it away until next time. Most notably, we've used a rewards jar to regulate screen usage, keep the house clean, and to encourage obedience and kindness. The jars we've used have changed over the years, as have the items we fill them with. In my experience, introducing a fun new incentive jar effectively raises excitement for what is, essentially, the same old thing. Here is our current jar, the Gem Jar:

As amazing as rewards jars are, the novelty of watching frogs mysteriously multiply inside of a tub wore off after a year or so. It therefore became necessary to attach some sort of award for filling up our jars. Our awards have ranged in extravagance from a fun family outing such as ice skating or Chuck E Cheese (yes, we have varying definitions of "fun" in our home), to extra screen time, to something as simple as family trampoline night (where we take blankets out to the trampoline and just hang out as the sun goes down).

My favorite incentive, however, is dessert. I get really tired of my kids asking for dessert after every single meal (even breakfast) and having to explain why the answer is 'no' a zillion times a day. So at one point I decided that the reward for filling up the jar would be dessert and there would be no dessert (or any sweets in the house at all) until the jar was full. I'm sure you can imagine how fast they fill up the jar when they're sugar-deprived. 

So what does all of this have to do with summer survival?

It is during the summer that the rewards jar turns from a good idea into a necessity. Without the distraction of school and friends, sibling issues that tend to hibernate during the school year resurface with a vengeance. And with everyone home all day, keeping the house clean is next to impossible without incentivizing the worker minions. The jar is also useful in getting my gaggle of kids to leave the beach, park or pool when I ask them to (or shortly thereafter--let's be realistic, shall we?).

So there is hope for the summer. It lies in the power of a good jar.

Now that I've had three posts to think through all the summer issues that tend to crop up, I believe I'm ready to put together our daily schedule for this year. Check back next week and I'll share it with you, along with some of the ones I used when my kids were younger.

Summer Survival Part 2

Today lets talk about that which is both my summer savior and my summer bane: screens. When I say screens I'm referring to any entertainment device with a screen, including but not limited to TV, ipad, ipod, DS, computer, etc. My kids and I have a long history with screens.

I cheered the first time each of my toddlers sat through an entire 20-minute episode of Blue's Clues. Their burgeoning love of colorful and sometimes creepy (Yo Gabba Gabba anyone?) children's television meant I could finally take a shower, load the dishwasher without "help," or make an uninterrupted phone call. But once a love of coach potatoism was firmly embedded for each chid, it then became my job to spend the next 16 years (or so) telling them to "Turn it off".

Because of the trouble screens have caused in our home (nobody EVER obeys the first, second or even fifth time I ask them to turn it off), we now have the rule that during the school week, there are no screens allowed. Fridays and Saturdays are our only screen days. This works really well during the school year, but unless I want to be doing a constant song and dance to keep them entertained over the summer, a ban on screens is no longer practical when there's no school. But I've also noticed that when screen usage goes unregulated for even one whole day, my kids are cranky and prone to inexplicable meltdowns and fights. I think this is because they don't feel fulfilled when they spend the whole day in front of a screen, much the same way I do when I waste a whole evening in mindless channel surfing. Because they feel unfulfilled, they get cranky and upset at the drop of a hat. They don't understand why, but the feelings are still real. It's our job as their caretakers to help them engage in activities that make them feel good about themselves.

So it seems, like so many other aspects of life, that balance is key. We've played with a lot of different screen arrangements over the years and I don't think there's any one right answer. When and how much you allow will depend on the temperament of your kids and the current dynamic in your home. I usually give my kids two hours in the morning while I'm getting ready for the day (I have to admit here that I'm not a morning person and in the summer, my kids are usually up before I am). But they know they can't start screens until 7:00 am, and they're supposed to eat breakfast first. I'm certain that Energy and Mellow would set their alarms and get up at 5:00 am to start playing Minecraft if they could. The other two times I've allowed screen usage over the years is either when a baby is napping or when I'm making dinner, but not both. For me, the morning screen time is not something I'm willing to give up. But the afternoon is different. If they don't have screens then, I'm not still stuck in morning grumpy mode and can more effectively handle it. And offering another hour of screens in the afternoon can become an essential bargaining chip. If you make screen time contingent on something, then you suddenly have some very eager-to-please children on your hands.

For example:

"If you spend an hour reading, then you earn your hour of afternoon screen time".
"If you clean your room, then you get afternoon screens."
"If you spend an hour playing a made-up game with your siblings, then you can watch screens."
"If you play outside for an hour, you earn an hour of screens."
"If you complete five workbook pages, then you earn your screens."

Pretty simple, right? Usually when I'm coming up with our summer schedule we have a block of quiet time before afternoon screens and I have lists of acceptable activities to do during this time. Reading, writing, using their imaginations, coloring, free play outside, etc. Anything to get their minds working and encourage them to be kids. But they have to engage in the activity if they want to earn their afternoon screens. Moping around saying "I'm bored" doesn't count and if they do that I just remind them that they have to be doing another activity for a whole hour in order to earn their screen time. The hour doesn't start until they quit moping.

Now, lest you begin to think too highly of me, I must admit that the allowed afternoon hour usually stretches to two when I get caught up in a good book or other personal activity. Luckily, my kids don't notice so it doesn't undermine the schedule. Please do me a favor and don't tell them.

Once you find an arrangement that works for your family, screens can be a great summer motivator. And since you will no longer feel guilty about letting it go unregulated, screen time offers a precious few moments of quiet time before the chaos of dinner sets in.

Summer Survival Part 1

Summer is fast approaching. For some of you, it might already be here. Last night, when Mellow was looking at his hot lunch calendar for the month of June, he pointed to the last week and asked why there were no lunches listed for those days.

"That's summertime," I said.

His jaw dropped. He counted the remaining days in the school year and began jumping up and down, announcing to all his siblings that there are only 16 days left of school.

Umm, no that can't be right. Only sixteen? Really? I thought I had a whole month left. 

Nope. Three weeks. Plus one half-day tacked on at the end to make up for an errant snow day. Which means I have exactly two weeks (because I like to be early with these kinds of things... just in case) to get organized. The good news is that summertime means no pesky socks coming through the laundry to match up. The bad news is that I need to figure out how I'm going to keep my five kids from killing each other (or going brain-dead from too much screen time) while they're home over the summer.

Of course, this is not the first summer I've had to make a plan. I'm the queen of hyper-organizing and for years I've had a detailed summer schedule in place that dictates what we will be doing for every hour of every day. Some parts have worked great. Others, not so much. I tweak the plan every year. Because my kids are getting older, I think the plan is now in need of some major tweaking.

I've learned a lot from my years of summer planning. First off, I have to say that kids need structure. I need structure. A summer plan is a must if you want to make it more than a week or two without going crazy. Once you have the plan in place, however, don't be afraid to alter it as needed on any given day. Don't toss it entirely, or your kids won't take you seriously, but if you're involved in a great activity that's taking longer than the scheduled time, be flexible (not one of my fortes, I must admit).

Since I have a lot to say on the subject of summer planning, I'll split the rest of it into three separate blog posts. Today I'll focus on handling lunchtime.

"How complicated can lunchtime be?" you may wonder.

Well, we've always had an "If you don't like it, starve 'till you do" policy at dinner time, since I refuse to be a short-order cook. But somehow, lunch feels different. And with five separate palates to please, there is no single item I can make for lunch that everyone will eat without excessive tears being shed.

To solve this dilemma, when the kids were young (and there were only three of them), I assigned days out to each child. On their assigned day they got to pick what everyone was having for lunch. This worked well for a few summers. But as they got older and multiplied in number, even that was not enough.

A few summers ago, I decided to shake things up a bit. Energy, as my pickiest eater and most capable child at the time, inspired me to adopt the policy that still stands today: I will make lunch for the baby and/or preschooler. If you want what they're having I will make it for you. If you want something else, make it yourself. And clean up your mess, too!

It worked fabulously well. Energy was (and still is) highly motivated to fix his own lunches since he hates almost everything I make. Within a week or two, he'd mastered a variety of lunchtime fares. And now that he's had several years of practice, he's become quite the little chef. Sometimes he even gets in the mood to make lunch for everyone and opens a 'Diner' in the kitchen where his siblings can place their orders and play as waiters and waitresses. Sometimes I have the luxury of placing my own order and having a PB&J delivered right to my room. Mellow and Bright have slowly followed his example and are each learning how to fix lunches for themselves as well.

So my kids are learning to cook and take care of themselves, while at the same time alleviating some of the extra work that summer brings. Summer lunchtime is no longer the ordeal that it once was. (Insert sigh of relief here).

So what's the take away?

Don't do for your kids what they can do for themselves... especially over the summer and where picky eaters are involved!

The Very Hungry Twelve-Year Old

(In the style of The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle)

One Friday afternoon, in eighth period English, an almost-teenaged boy sat slumped in his chair.

When he arrived home almost an hour later, he was very hungry. Very, VERY hungry. He started to look for some food.

He ate through one Honeycrisp apple. But he was still hungry.

He ate through two flour tortillas. But he was still hungry.

He ate through three yellow bananas. But he was still hungry.

He ate through four bags of goldfish crackers. But he was still hungry.

He ate through five slices of cantaloupe. But he was still hungry.

He ate through six juicy strawberries. But he was still hungry.

He ate through seven warm taquitos. But he was still hungry.

So he ate through eight slices of pizza, three bags of mini muffins, one-half a watermelon, two raspberry smoothies, and a pile of pretzel sticks as big as his face.

He did not even get a tummy ache. And, he was still hungry.

So his mother thought and thought and thought. Finally, she had an idea.

On Monday when the very hungry twelve-year old came home from school, he found a surprise waiting for him. It was a giant gumball machine and a pile of quarters.

Now when the very hungry twelve-year old comes home from school, his mouth is so busy chewing that he can't eat up all the food. Instead, he obediently waits for dinner. His siblings are extremely happy that the very hungry twelve-year old is no longer eating all their food. Peace is once again restored....

Until the very hungry twelve-year old brings home some friends.

THE END